JUMP OFF

After reading about this Matthew Knowles love child.

I am thrilled to know that Matthew Knowles has a love child. And he’s really quite a cutey patootey. I’m wondering, is not using a condom still in style? Like AIDS nor overpopulation have any bearing on this thing here. I understand how great raw dog feels…it’s true. But is their no tinge of guilt followed by a quick run to CVS for the now available over-the-counter miracle “the Morning After pill”.

Maybe that’s just me. But that’s always my reflex.

1st week Down

The E.N.D. Tour is here. And it is beyond large. It’s pretty amazing. Atlanta was pretty easy and Miami became a circus. The circus normally happens when all of management and their huge egos come into play. I spend more time dealing with them and their needs than the actual artist. Then there’s this man….this tiny little man who is driving me nuts. Literally trying me in every way that he can. He talks crazy…he talks like how you’ve been told white men talk but didn’t really believe until you saw it for yourself. I’m talking the smell of sulfur when he leaves the room. The straight devil, Child. And it hasn’t stopped. The light at the end of the tunnel was that he put his hands on the wrong opening act and got thunked. I should not relish in other people’s misery but he’s such a **** dickhead. NOTORIOUS for being a dickhead…like it’s on his license.
But what I’m re-learning, is to brush my shoulders off…and that lying fat sacks of shit dickheads reveal themselves everytime.

I also happened to meet Ron Conway and was able to take care of him enough to be noticed. He sold Google for 1.5billion dollars. Crazy scrillas. He thanked me by giving me 2 tickets to the Superbowl. Amazing. Ate and drank all day, bought a Superbowl blankie, went into the Super box where Lish and I were the only girls, and promptly slept through the first half…it was the best nap i’d had all week!

Cote d’Azur

So we’re doing this big radio award show - NRJ awards…it’s mostly like , I suppose, the MTV Awards. The Peas, Jay-Z, Pharrell. It’s happening the same time as Midem and all we can seem to talk about is raising money for Haiti..who by the way, per the french newspaper Le Monde has close to a billion euros in donations. A billion. So they got close to a billion, I’m standing around millionaires, hanging with my girl who I have know from here for 15 years, and my business manager texts me the most heinous shit ever about my finances. So, I’m ready to curl into a ball and start crying…like I’m broke. I’m not going to make it. What the fuck is wrong with me. Blah blah blah. And I talk to my consigliere who reminds me..

“yeah bitch. you are the risk taker. Stop buying into lack and limitation that people are selling. I know there are certain realities but folks’ outlook is very negative and they make no effort to finesse that shit. You love France and you job. Enjoy them both. God is soooo good and as long as we are creative and grateful we continue experience love and peace for real. Let the Universe know you have faith by not falling into that trap.”

And then my phone died. And I am so grateful for her. I am so grateful to have friends (and a mother) who believes in my crazy ass shit. I’m a coocoo bird. This I know. And I lead by the seat of my pants with no real intention of turning it around. And that’s okay. I cannot imagine a life or even having the luxury, of being able to talk shit about what people don’t do or need to do or have a bevy of advisors to tell me what to do, all the while not having an original thought in my head. No risk. No risk? What the fuck is the point if you don’t take risks in what you do? I so admire actors and singers who balls against the wall will work retail or a restaurant or whatever, fuck it, nothing, in order to pursue what they want in life. Or rather, the fact that they know what they want and actually have an attainable goal. It’s so easy to call shots from the sidelines/pedestal - whatever entitled people prefer to call it — and talk shiiiiiit….OOH the shit talking is amazing. All that learning and knowing and no goals. Frick not having a goal. Frick not taking a risk.

In the words of Will.I.Am,

Imma be the upgraded new nigaro
Imma be the average brother with soul
imma be worldwide international
imma be in Rio rockin’ Tokyo

Imma be brilliant
with my millions
loan a trillion
and get back a billion

CALI WAVES, INGLEWOOD PARADES & LOUISIANA FRIED CHICKEN

The waves this past week have been epic. Truly something not seen in California in …I don’t know, I ain’t never seen no shit like that before and the surfers have hailed it as “epic” so that must be what it is. I don’t know why I thought I was going anywhere. I guess I just like to drive around town with a surfboard on my roof. Waves move to 20 feet also.

Which leads me to rehearsals. In Inglewood. I hadn’t been to the SC in some time. I exited Manchester to take the scenic route and was not disappointed. Did you know that there’s gas station at Hoover and Manchester that is also a 24 hour beauty supply? I shit you not. It was….well, brilliant. Mostly because I can’t even make this stuff up!. AND they only sell one type of gas….87. regular unleaded.
That’s it.

Moving right along to Inglewood where half of the parking lost was used for a church. Today it was Ethipion followed closely by the Biker Boys and the Inglewood High marching band warming up for tomorrow’s parade.

Speaking of parades, my assistant paraded down Manchester @ Normandie to the only Louisianna Fried Chicken open. For chicken and gumbo. they have a 5 star rating….regardless of being in the hood.

Then it all got shot to hell….my legs got weak and now I’m taking Bendydryl. So I’m in bed. I think the world has beat my ass. and I need to go to bed.

KRAMPUS THE CHRISTMAS DEMON

Every year around this time, I remember the days Sarah and I were in Berlin doing a winter tour. We strolled through the Christmas market of Marlene Dietrichplatz and all of a sudden these crazy demon weirdos came and hit sarah….actually, they beat her.

In old-school German folklore (Bavarian really), Krampus, dude from St. Nicks entourage, comes to beat bad kids. He’s the yang to Santas Ying. Santa gives presents to good kids and Krampus to beatings to bad kids. Naughty kids, prepare to get your ass beat. Traditionally depicted with huge horns, a black mane, talon-like claws (Krampus comes from the Old German for “claw”), and wielding chains and a birch rod, Santa’s enforcer beat, whipped and shamed bad children. Sometimes, Krampus went so far as to shove his victims into a sack and throw that into a river. He seemed also to have a particular penchant for birching young, pretty virgins.

Sarah started crying. I wanted to get Kamal to beat him up. It was frightening. Actually frightening.

Then we went to the Grand Hyatt for lunch, had Chestnut soup and listened to Mariah Carey’s “Oh Holy Night”.

Awww, Christmas.

Swell Not

I missed everything this weekend. Hanging with the family all weekend. My goddaughter is so delicious I can eat her. I visited my uncle and he looks wonderful. My grandparents are getting older and being with them is a blessing and I love them. I thought my cousin-in-law and I would be able to go to Churches or Trestles…but since it rained and the water was reportedly deathly, Safe Black girl and her Liberal-but-from-a-Republican-household cousin (which means we’ve merged families perfectly because it makes him still safe) decided against the threat of staff infections and went to Denny’s with the family instead. My cousin wore a mullet, Kiki Jo ate everyone’s sausages, good old family fun.

I’ve almost had too much family time now and I always wonder will I have the patience my mother has taking care of my grandparents, to take care of her. We talk about it. My grandmother is increasingly surly. And I’m praying, hoping, wishing, my mother stays on the light-hearted end of the spectrum. Age, mortality, etc, is a tough egg. Old people don’t want to be bothered with anything and think they know all there is to know about everything. My grandmother and I are alike in that way. Know it alls. Stubborn. I’m looking in a mirror and getting mad at her because it stirs up, obviously, things in me. I do believe in change however. I think the minute you are so over life that you cannot learn anything else you may as well roll over and die. What would be the point anymore?

I need to go surf.

OSAKA

So Osaka wasn’t has fun as it was when I was here last. I just realized that I desperately need to learn Japanese. I cannot stand non communication. I communicate for a living. I micro manage for crying out loud! My phone doesn’t work, the ethernet cord is too short to reach my bed, the desk is locked down, there aren’t any good movies on tv. The day off was almost a living hell and to top it all off, I have cramps that are so ridiculous I want to slap my doctor! I mean, why in the hell did I have a surgery to remove these gotdamn fibroids when I have the worst cramps and a horrible flow any damn way. For real.

But I’ve gotten beyond myself. My visit with my uncle Troy was too short. Gosh I love him. But we always have such good ADULT conversations. After all, he’s only 10 years older than me. But Ferg was sweet to them and Taboo, as always. He’s so great.

In any event, now I have to figure out how to get through this day with a smile even though I’m in pain and have no 800mg ibuprofen which I am addicted to. I have these Japanese pain killers that are doing the trick but I’m not so convinced since they aren’t the size of a golf ball.

I did have Shabu Shabu for the first time last night. No one spoke english. Menus had like 4 words on it for reference, and yet the lady next to me spoke a bit and taught us how to make it work. Ahh, human decency. Thank Jesus. That’s why I always help foreigners. You have to pay it forward.

I don’t even think they have an H&M here. Hmmph.

“I never promised you a rose garden”

I love relationships.
They are amazing in what they uncover about people. How people respond and react. How the blueprint of their ID comes back to haunt them over and over again. Then, the Universe, plops something right in their laps to allow them to look at themselves, i.e. a TEST. And what do we choose to do? Of course we defend ourselves first. When i was tested last week, the first thing I did was say I’d rather quit than to face the challenge, or actually, face the fact that maybe I made someone feel some kind of way about me. I whooped and hollered and cursed and defended and threw out some “F” bombs, called some gang banger friends…the WORKS. Rather than holding still, and stop kicking and screaming your way through this, I had to sit and deal and RELATE. All relationships are this way. There isn’t a moment where I have the luxury to say, “well this is just how it is and if you’re rolling with me, then….”. That’s the way it is on ALL sides of a relationship. Something’s got to give until it just doesn’t. I have no desire to make people think the way I think. I think the way I think and if you choose to participate in my life, this is how it will be. We will work out what we can between the 2 of us. If we reach an impasse, we just do.

Days Off and Fish Frys

I love days off.
I love days off in Detroit.
But I really love days off where I can cook. And I’ve decided have a fish fry.
Snapper, catfish and Detroits local fare - perch. I don’t even know how to cook perch or what perch tastes like but Lawry’s season all hasn’t failed me yet.

More to come

Foolish Heart

The radio was turned to the classic rock station when I came back to my hotel. Conrad Indianapolis is lovely. And I immediately was set in a mood. A hot classic rock mood. I love classic rock. When did that happen? I don’t know. I know my ex used to listen to it all the time, but since I knew all of the words, I had to have listened to them sooner. And now this. Now i’m in a Steve Perry vortex that I cannot get out of. I bought the whole damn album. “Oh Sherrie”, “Foolish Heart”, “When You’re In Love”, when did I become a middle-aged white woman? What the fuck?

Meanwhile, back at the Lil Wayne ranch, my kids are doing great. Stepping so far up to the plate and reaching beyond my expectations - well, reaching my expectations. I got high expectations. They are now teaching my newbie. And they are running this and giving me enough breathing room to be able to attack my other job….the drama filled one with the prick ass PM. IS that like the criteria of PMing is to be a ginormous prick? I’m looking on monster.com and I don’t see that listed in the job description, but lo and behold. As Biggie would say, “here’s another one……and another one.”

Shit, I should have bought Journey’s Greatest Hits. Just Steve Perry is kinda sucky.

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